I posted a new one on the new site: http://believinginme.ca/?p=1147
Have you signed up over there yet?
Although it’s really quite important to share my experiences so we can all learn, so we can really see that we’re in this life together, it does get gloomy. Part of all this sharing is the observation of the comfort levels of those who come across this blog. I totally respect the silent followers, appreciate those who openly encourage, and hug each and everyone who has exchanged their time to read what I have to say. I really want to THANK YOU FIRST. Onward and upward we go!
In all of this clearing and embracing of life that goes on over here in my head, one of the hardest things to process was what to do with The Nimble Assistant. I’ll share this bit I wrote in my personal journal (yes, I write just about everywhere I get the chance to.)
Mourning people is an obvious one that socially, most people give individuals enough space to do on their own. Socially, we also expect people to mourn and socially, most of us do take advantage of the environment even if only superficially. We are far more ready to admit mourning for people though. What about all the other stuff that comes and goes? Significant events, situations, and other inanimate objects…seemingly non-living things. It’s not uncommon for people to sympathize with the loss of a pet. The loss of a job…yes; somewhat but “chin up…there’s more on the horizon.” Our social grace and patience (with others as well as ourselves) starts to diminish around objects other than people.
And yet significant things that cause great grief and sense of loss show up in our lives. How about the dissolving of a marriage? Consider the closure of a business to which a loss of a job, a loss of identity possibly as well. Where does the loss of a dream get mourned? In silence. In resilience. In defiance to admit it’s gone. In burying the hurt and disappointment. In the concern of judgement and in the flurry to redefine all the important things in a life. It’s easy to get hard and keep the underside under. It’s just as easy to stay positive, find the good things, insist on respect, love and integrity…build new awesomeness.
So I’ve been there over the last two months. I figured if the standard mourning process works for people it could for the other things I listed above and I got to work in mourning those things.
I started with The Nimble Assistant, my alter identity. This one was huge. I created this. I fought for this. It helped me live through some very difficult times. It gave me focus, it gave me purpose, it gave me people and fun and excitement too. It has run it’s course though. So, in my effort to be authentic and loving; I wrote The Nimble Assistant’s obituary. A little strange to some, but totally my way of doing things! (see: http://www.believinginme.ca/
At the end of February, I received notice that http://www.thenimbleassistant.com (hosting) was about to expire. I said “no kidding: opportunity” to myself…and I chose not to renew it. It was easier than I thought. You won’t be able to email me through that website anymore (as you may have already experienced). And there it is…gone. Released.
I’m now spending more energy in growing what is working for me. This blog is one of the things that still feels good and right. I have purchased a new web-home for it and have begun weaving it’s very own web: www.believinginme.ca
Please visit there since any further writing I publish online will go there. This temporary home of awesomeness will eventually go away too as I stabilize in the new website. I invite you to resubscribe or send me a note to beautybeliever3(at)gmail(dot)com.
Thank you for being here for me. Without even knowing it really, you’ve offered support in holding this space open for me.
Believing in ME
So far 2013 has exposed me.
I’ve been sharing quite openly with people (who asked) how things are going with me. Not the kids, not the other pieces of my life. Me.
My decision to be true to my what my body is telling me, keeping a gentle space to accept and love where I’m at and not barrel through another year has proven tricky. I have been vulnerable; I might even say fragile at times. I have been dancing with my shadow…and not in a Peter Pan kind of way.
Mid-January, I enlisted the help of a homeopath to manage and elevated thyroid number. I’m so not a numbers gal and at the top of the numbers I don’t get wrapped up in are those that pertain to my body…I’m hooked on a feeling not a number. So when a “number” stands out from a damn good record, it’s no longer a number to me but a flashing red light. It’s time to work on this part of myself. I have been still for some time…AND LISTENED…to my physical and etheric bodies, I can hear, see and feel things differently…and I’m holding my own ass to the fire, not just dust it off and pretend it doesn’t exist.
I’ve given myself space. I’ve relaxed and come off the gamut of this lovable life and I’ve been surprised.
Noticing deviant and previously conquered behaviours has been an eye opener because they didn’t just float away into the ethers (after considerable work and conscious effort) as I had thought, they just kind of went dormant. In the process of raising our wonderful children and finding my own way, I took on some pretty awesome things like new work, new eating habits, new scheduling and juggling acts included. Lots of things no longer mattered and some things mattered more. Recent stress aside, I had probably reached a new level of wellness. I say wellness because as I mentioned above, I don’t do body numbers so I can’t tell you what I weighed or how much exercise I did or what my nutrient levels were. I felt strong, well, able, attractive and in control of my life. I was making really good choices about what I ate and how I moved and it showed. I was sincere about sharing the love and being positive and believing in everyone’s awesomeness…and still do. Being in this state supported us in all the life we just experienced. And yet, there’s this side of me, now that I’ve been still and have the opportunity for the next incarnation a la Jen and I see a person I thought I had left behind. Now what?
I’m going to love her.
I see you, sweet young woman, looking for the feel good on your tongue. I know you’re still there. I send you love, I send you light. I send you the knowledge you’ve gained in your body. YOUR feel good. It’s all going to be okay and you will not have to feel less-than for anything. Be strong in your body, mind and soul. I hug you and wrap you in the knowledge of your sisters. Your body is beautiful. You are beautiful, worthy of a body in wellness. You have been through difficult things that make you feel scared and worried and right now, your actions tell you don’t care about you. But you know you do, deep down. You care enough to gift your body good food, good vitamins, good fats so you can move with grace, confidence, strength and love. You do not need to protect yourself externally. You are protected by your aura of goodness and love, and grace. You shine so special; keep things clear and beautiful without chemicals or dyes or weird particles to make things last. YOU will last, your legacy leaves its’ trail. Be the organic, natural woman you’ve become. You are loved, on the inside, on the outside, from me…by many.
Sharing this is testament to my process. I’m really ok and it’s taking a lot of courage to be authentic and it’s totally worth it; we’re all worth it.
Believing in ME,
I’m having what I would call a “Neale Donald Walsh Moment”. For those of you who don’t know about Neale, he is the creator of the books (and subsequent other works) call Conversations with God (highly recommended). Although not scraping at the bottom as he was, I’m feeling the calling of writing..for like days on end…the way CwG was created. Yellow sheets of paper, scribbled on, spilled coffee etc. It makes me wonder what would really come out.
I feel this nervous energy bubbling inside. There are many projects paused right now that I can’t see what I could really be doing to move them forward. A house renovation: needs to be signed for and actually purchased before I do anything else. I’ve already bought two new toilets since they were on a really good sale. We also trekked to Canadien Tire (the french pronunciation I prefer) to look at stove ventilation hoods (?) and that sale was either not good enough or something else prevented me from buying one of those today. The plan, is to rip out these blessed carpets first. I could make a plan for that, like buy string to be able to put the rolls to the road. I could put the van up on Kijiji and move that out of our life but I need to get a few things fixed first. At least I made that list and encouraged those jobs being done. I’m being a little impatient I guess.
There’s something to be said about cleaning a space you know is about to be overhauled. Something along the lines of: it sucks. Scrubbing along, I let thoughts creep in. The optimist and lover in me says “appreciate the imperfections”, “thank the space for all that it has provided you” ” keep the faith it will continue to do so until everything is lined up to make the improvements.”
And that my friends, is how I end up so cheery and optimistic all the time. Because as soon as I get my panties in a bunch, I set myself straight and choose a better frame of mind. I may not have come out with a book that tops Amazon for decades but writing it all out sure makes me feel better.
On that note, I should probably update you on a seed I’m nurturing. I haven’t been writing here very much however I have taken every ounce of encouragement you’ve sent my way into another journal-type piece of work that will, yes, eventually make itself into a book-type. Like snowflakes fall to the earth, life has given me plenty of unique experience to reflect on, interpret and articulate my own personal winter-life-wonderland. To my surprise, knowing that it’s not out there for everyone has given me the space to go a little deeper, be a little truer and even be a little bolder. Stay tuned.
Much love to all…believe in you.
We’ve been blessed with the opportunity to buy the house we live in. Hoorah! But it needs a little updating and I’ve undertaken the task of dreaming a new space.
Now that I have given things a big blast of open thinking, I probably should just go for a brand new (probably new to us) house. However, these things go in baby steps so for now, I’ve come to a nice place of what kind of resources it will take to accommodate a) my bank account and b) the neighbourhood/market reality. And so I went to magazines, and online places to collect details.
I’ve learned about me in the process. Surprise. Surprise.
I don’t need entertainment in three rooms: the bedroom, the bathroom nor the laundry room as some people (apparently) do. If I’m not doing the entertaining in my bedroom, I pretty much want the place comfy, cozy and quiet. If I’m in the bathroom anything longer than a commercial, it probably involved a lot of water and I have other things on my mind, in which electronics don’t really belong. As for the laundry room, I’m lucky to remember I was doing laundry let alone what channel The Weather Network is. That, I have my son for; and he usually recycles his laundry. I digress.
I love colour; even colours “that don’t really know what colour they are” ( NK ) Totally white makes me feel totally uncomfortable. “Who are you, really?” in a Freudian accent echos in my mind when I see room decorated this way. I don’t care how many textures you layer into this it’s just against my belief that life is colour-full.
I love natural light. Four walls of windows takes me into another life that I was probably a guppie in a pet store. Although probably a short period of time, that didn’t end well I don’t think. At the very least, this is a very different life. One full wall is cool with me, love the idea of being able to star gaze, maybe even two walls of natural light. Anything else should be experienced with all the joys the out-of-doors (and windows) provides.
I like stone and wood and think the plastics/laminates don’t really fit my belief in how nature rules. I’m not into ornate fireplaces (unless they’re outside). Great big pillared kitchens worthy of Greek Gods isn’t really my style…more like rough cut timbers to support a meal for Paul Bunyan.
It has been easier than I thought. Just deciding what “isn’t me” (without judging how it could possibly work for someone else) has boosted my joy and belief in our individual life and how we express it…in everything.
I’m a natural woman, most comfortable in a natural, vibrant, and full of life kind of space. But you guys probably already know that.
Believing in ME,
Instead of making plans to move mountains, steam ahead or hold steadfast, I feel 2013 in a very gentle embrace. This filter of self care, self-love and peace is wrapped around my heart and will carry me through whatever comes.
The more I think about it, I offer the analogy of a rocket worthy of an Apollo moniker. Over the last few years, we’ve had the countdown, the launch, the jostling rough ride to higher realms and 2012 brought the rigorous, frightening, and risky break through the earth’s atmosphere…and here we are on the other side…floating among the stars, humbled by the beauty of space and the wonderous perspective of the universe.
There is much to be grateful for.
There is much to be celebrated internally (as I continue to repair & gain strength) and I plan to spend some time there.
My intention is to journey with the grace and ease of the owl; to sit in contemplation as she does from her perch under the watchful eye of a full, grandmother moon; to wander freely in the skies blessing everything below. Look out for the flying nightie! Just kidding. I plan to be present in my body, feed it, feel it properly and grow in it’s strength.
My intention is to give hugs as she would too with big wide wings of feathered goodness.
My gut tells me I’ll like what I’ll see from this perspective; my guides seem to be nodding gently with knowing smiles on their faces.
I hear what my heart is telling me. I wish you the song of yours too.
Believing in ME,
P.S. Lately, I’ve been getting lost in this particular song. A Brand New Kind of Me.
I always look to start December 1st on the right foot. I like to have my house cleaned (okay, that has been adapted to “tidied”) my room cleared of clutter and some time spent in meditation if nothing else, silence and reflection. Last night included an emo-purge cleaning up yet again more dog-doo-doo and bickering children and I just needed to let it out. I wasn’t not happy with the current vibe my year was ending on and knew I just needed to get through it and wrap it up like yesterday’s lunch so I could pay homage to a life well spent over the last 365 days.
I offer up my gratitude for the year as I fall sleep in my freshly sheeted bed, grandma’s rosary in hand (as I have for as many years as I can remember) knowing that how I feel in the morning will be my guide for the rest of the new year. So the dog only had me up twice through the night so that’s not too bad and I woke to texts from Doug and a special delivery on my porch which moved me to tears of feeling loved. A good way to start the year.
In previous years, I’ve written my accomplishments (2011, 2010) and I’ll do so again:
- Shared in the passing of my guy’s mom.
- Experienced my neighbourhood coffee shop from behind the counter
- Braved new excitement in the hair department.
- Reconnected with parts of me I had long forgotten about.
- Became a little bit more vocal about parts of me .
- Remained steadfast at Mason’s side this summer.
- Found courage to communicate what I could, remain steely in the power of mind, and “sleep” in a hospital chair for about 6 weeks.
- And asked for help when I couldn’t.
- Trusted in Ellie’s care, compassion, and understanding.
- Remained centered and genuine in co-creating a separation agreement.
- Swallowed hard and remained respectful during times of frustration.
- Felt the release of accomplishment and the relief of yesterday’s news.
- Decided not to move houses but stay put.
- Celebrated a life well lived and deeply missed David.
- Experienced heartache through my children’s pain of David’s passing.
- Found a new appreciation for family dynamics and how children web us together.
- Also said goodbye to the local coffee shop.
- Started a new job!
- Created a new routine, started playing piano again!
- Enjoying more time 1 on 1 with M & E. Just as I had hoped I could.
Through all of this, there have been wonderful people who have contributed along the way. I’m so very grateful to those who gave me enough space to sort it out and then ask; and for those who sent their love and thoughts and wellness in all kinds of ways imaginable. We felt each wave. I’ve been stripped down, naked, bare on the inside and it has taken me some time to rebuild.
I offered up my gratitude for the year as I fell sleep in my freshly sheeted bed, grandma’s rosary in hand on the eve of my birthday (as I have for as many years as I can remember) knowing that how I feel in the morning will be my guide for the rest of the new year. So the dog only had me up twice through the night (so that’s not too bad) and I woke to loving texts and a special delivery on my porch which moved me to tears of feeling loved. A good way to start the year I’d say.
This I know is true: I am alive. Alive with the love of many, passioned by my children, driven by my own desires, and supported in the best possible environment for the wellness of all.
“…there’s sunshine in her thunder.”
“…she’s coming around the bend and she’s got lighting in both hands.”
Believing in ME,
Feeling a little let down with my Friday night plans, I decided to make up for some lost ground with my dear friend Barbara. Since opening her wonderfully heart driven restaurant (Unique Food Attitudes, Dundas & Lyle…go and see for yourself) and all the craziness of our wonderful life over the last six months, we haven’t spent any time together. And as I do with the few gal-pals I do have, I miss her. We laugh at lot and some may say act silly together. It’s good for both of us…a little bit of self-care.
Once we were caught up on a few things, she insisted I have something to eat. Of course! And happily, I did; I’m a good friend for that.
It’s a busy spot (preparing for 100 in the morning)so I decided to get out of the kitchen to enjoy the dinning room and window seat both of which just happened to be empty at the time. I was in a contemplative frame of mind and welcomed the quiet. Very soon after, a gentleman came in with a young fella, his son.
I have never been so touched being on the fringe of conversation. It was sort of eaves dropping since there was very little noise but kitchen yammer and rattling in the background (which I’ve come to tune out)…who could have helped it? Their conversation was so lovingly articulate and creative and fun and delivered in very natural dialogue from both of them (or so it seemed). I could tell they were happy to be with each other and it really warmed my heart. Wanting to join in, I found myself smiling a lot which, in retrospect, may have seemed creepy.
I know how much I enjoy my 1 on 1 time with each of my kids and this boy is probably Mason’s age so I could relate to the dynamic. It takes some effort to get my guy into flowing conversation sometimes, let alone out-loud creative thinking. I wondered if either, M or E (maybe both) of them were having a good time with their dad. It reminded me that Mason and I are overdue for another date night. It also showed me that no matter what moms do, dad relationships are created by dads and their kids.
Thank you sir, for showing me your loving father ways and to you, young sir, I hope the next time your dad tells you how much he loves you, your ears and heart remain as open to accept it as they were tonight.
Believing in ME, and grateful for the love the universe presented today.
As I sit here contemplating and attempting to give myself enough space to find ground again, I feel very little. And as if it weren’t enough to be kind to myself, I know that every thought counts and every word creates what is to come…and yet I have to acknowledge the sadness and overwhelm and discomfort of change and choose differently. I’m just not ready to entirely. I choose to digest the loss and welcome the new and it’s tricky.
The balance between acknowledging less than happy thoughts (so they don’t just get buried only to resurface some other time) and simply choosing the most positive, silver lined realities is challenging me. Yeah, I’m human. I’ve been short with the kids today and frustrated with having to clean the house (again) and just plain’ol wanting another adult in our home sounds like whining and it makes me cringe.
So, one foot in front of the other, not a head under the covers, has brought me through today. The children have gone to the Santa Clause Parade with Grandma and Nana so I did groceries peacefully so we won’t have to tomorrow, completed a little Nimble work, the van headlight got changed (Thank you Mr. Brown), the dishes and vacuuming and farm paperwork got done and we even delivered school pictures as well as some laundry. Not bad for a day I had wished I could just stay in bed.
Sometimes, just getting ready for a better day tomorrow gets you through the one you’re in.
Believing in ME