Anticipating the “Not Found Yet”
There are few things that I get nostalgic about. Sunday dinner is one of them.
Tonight as I revive the honey-mustard pork from last night and negotiate which “green” we’re going to have with it, I can’t help but think something is missing. Truth is, life is perfect as it is.
It’s the way Mason is meandering between floors playing whichever e-device is at his fingertips, looking at books, “whatev.” It’s perfect in the way Ellie is picking flowers from my gardens and doing cartwheels in between for good measure. It’s in the sunshine and the wind and the ease of a holiday Monday. We’re just chillin’ as the “kewl” kids would say.
…’cuz we all know what’s coming tomorrow: work. school. It’s not that I don’t look forward to it. Tomorrow always brings new people, places and surprises I haven’t even experienced yet…things I haven’t even dreamed of yet.
So I’m not missing anything at all. Nostalgic? Yes. There is no possible way for me to recreate what I think I’m missing. It was perfect for “then” and no where near my “now.” This leaves a rather large ‘not found yet’ category and that is enticing to me.
As the sun goes down on a beautiful (not quite) summer day, I am peaceful and grateful for the perfect of today…and looking forward to what I’m about to discover.
Believing in ME, believing in you.
JCM
Self-Talk Exposed
If someone could tell me where I got this I'd love to give credit...
I blew it. (I’ve been telling myself)
If you had any interactions with me last week you would have seen a “high on life” Jen. The planets aligned in childcare, body care, work and available dates. The world was singing along with me.
And then I got cocky. (I’ve been telling myself)
I went a little too far and let my booze-head swell right into a week’s worth of recovery in one way or another. First it was a matter of re-hydration and sleep. Next was battling the flu and then I finally faced up to the eye irritation I’ve been avoiding for weeks. It really hasn’t been pretty…and I can’t seem to resist the sugar I’m usually pretty good at turning away.
So here are my self-talk thoughts:
- When there’s a high, there’s always a low…that’s how it goes.
- Suck it up sister; you’ve done it before but that doesn’t mean you have to do it again. And if you do, I’m sure you remember how to get back up.
- Stop whining. Sort out your shit, discover where you think you deserve better and make the best choices of the moment.
- You’ve been fine-tuning your interpretations of your body’s truth…there’s no surprise you’ve experienced a seemingly greater low. So are you going to keep beating yourself up and staying in this lower location?
- It’s okay to go back to the safe places; and it’s even better to make sure they’re still the best choices. So are you going to keep beating yourself up about them too?
Stop beating yourself up.
Find your love.
Your love of you will help you make your best choice…each and every time.
Believing in ME,
JCM
Hello Body. Where have I been?
So last post I talked about the disconnect I was having between my mind and body, my spiritual and earth bodies, and the new knowledge of numbers supporting that piece of my life. Well, the shit hit the meta and physic fan.
I started questioning what I thought I knew.
I started wondering what a physically compatible body (to my mental body) would feel like.
I decided to shelf my ego and see what I could learn from my body. The body never lies.
I also broke up with my computer for a bit; cleared away some of the electronics, got back to pen, paper, a new notebook and really listened. For those of you who know me, I can be a bit strong-headed, determined, and focussed. Clearly, some of these things weren’t really working for me. I was restless, and now knew there was a gap between where I was in my mind and where I was in body. There was real proof; three times over.
So I asked for help. I asked for clarity. And not only did I get the help, I was given opportunities that I said “no” to and offered gifts I also said yes to.
“I want my sensory system to be the best it can be.” was my answer to Dr. Kreso’s question of “what do you want from chiropractic care?” I expect to reconnect this gap between spiritual and physical worlds…no sense in dabbling with a toe in the water, we’ve been running and splashing and jumping ever since. I insist on the fun and joy of this reconnecting AND I also assure you there has been lots of work stretching what most would define as bliss and sunshine.
It goes like this:
First week = hullo body, you feel fabulous! I immediately sensed a flow change in my body, right up to my right ear. And for the next week I felt a clearing in various parts of my body. It most definitely felt different and my awareness of different areas were like different presents. As each one arose, I sent positive body body talk for the neglect I didn’t know I had bestowed. It’s kind of like meeting a new person at a party I hadn’t quite got to…the party as a whole of course being my body.
Second week = Let’s call this part releasing and resting.
So the more I realized how much of myself I had neglected, covered up, put with, tolerated and flat out ignored in my determination to be well, the more emotion I cleared. It wasn’t pretty for a couple of days in there. And so I cleared other things in my life too; things that weren’t ideal or fitting anymore. I followed the flow and trusted in my body. With the flow of tears and other fluids including a cold my body told me I needed rest. So I slept…a lot (more than usual). I went to bed with the kids. I drank lots of water to help with this process too. I didn’t give a rats ass about what was going on online, just about what was going on inside. And I followed the flow.
Week three = Still learning & staying in gratitude, love, & kindness
Now that I feel like lots has been cleared, there is still much work to be done. I can let my brain back into my spiritual and emotional realm. How do I prevent old thinking, old routines, old responses from creeping back in. What were they to begin with? Biography = biology so now that I’ve been through the detox of my own history, each day I actively choose from a new perspective. Is there more? Most certainly. Can I handle it? Most definitely. Am I worth it? That and more!
Life is fascinating and I’m so very grateful for Dr. Kreso and Dr. Rachelle; two people who are so supportive, energetic, and real…just like me. Strong enough to meet my energy. Believing in our wellness as much as I do. Living up to our potential.
There will be more on this. Sending out love and light to each of you; and always…
Believing in ME.
JCM
Numeric Waters
It’s Sunday: a mixed bag of sun and snow and truthfully, I’m a little immobilized. Are you familiar with the sensation of doing a million things in your mind and not really accomplishing much in body? It’s the curse of the transition I think. Kind of goes like this:
Mind: I could go for coffee, visit with my people and get my markout. Presto, I’m there in my mind.
Body: Hello? Are you there body? You’re going to have to move to get there.
Mind: I should do my tax preparation, it’s quiet, you could get it done.
Body: The papers are all the way over there and yes, but look at this bright shiny object!
Mind: I could be meditating, leveraging the peace before the kids come back.
Body: I have energy to disperse, we’ll chill later on.
Mind: I could be helping a loved one sort through their stuff in the garage or grocery shopping.
Body: You could be helping me gain abdominal strength.
Where am I really? Feels like limbo to me so maybe a little keyboarding and creating/defining a non-nimble space will help. As recently as a couple of days ago, I had a chat with Michelle Arbeau (delightful and very knowledgeable woman) and she offered me some insight (numerically) on some of the choices I’ve made. More importantly, the why I find myself in these two worlds (mental/physical) and the enormous distance between my ideas and my actions…that of all the great ideas I have there’s a disconnect from them actually hitting the ground and catapulting into awesomeness! No kidding. I’m familiar with that.
As I sit in anticipation of “my next big thing” I recognize this is part of the dynamic of reinvention. The ying of “I’m not that anymore, and the “what am I” yang…energized by my do SOMETHING fire sign nature. Aarrgh! So, I’m going to take a deep breath and go with what I know is true, right now:
Ellie celebrated her 7th birthday. My girl is growing up and now that she’s 7, she can’t wait to be 8. Sigh…I remember always wanting to be older too. Despite being a little under the weather, she was so pumped about her birthday she was up most of the night and even though we were a little sleep deprived, she brushed her own beautiful long blond hair and wore a pretty white blouse to school. She felt special on her bday and I wish I could only bottle a little of that for the days she could use a little extra. Like her first date, or big recital or riding her new roller blades. Just a little dab behind her ears to whisper encouragement…courage.
Mason has been courageous too since he chose to try out for a competitive soccer team. He’s pretty confident and finds pride in telling people that’s what he “does”: he plays soccer. He too is discovering physical challenges and areas he can improve upon, like printing. Still, his spirits are high and I’ve been working on words to tell him about his options if he doesn’t make the team. There are always options. For him, I’m ready to ride the emotional wave of accomplishment and improvement and staying self-nique (a play on U-nique) as he grows.
Both of my beauties were born with less physical grounding I have according to their numerology. I’m an anchor to them…praying to keep them in safe enough harbour without holding them back from all the oceans of life.
Believing in ME
JCM
Leaping Nimble!
I’ve been avoiding this post. I’ve even given myself a couple of days before publishing…just in case…on my personal blog first.
I’ve been avoiding my “office space” too. I’ve been leaving myself clues and whispering truths to myself…building courage.
Responding vaguely to business associates about where things are at with The Nimble Assistant and keeping conversation light and focused on what they are up to avoided a conversation I was having trouble putting words together for.
I’m going to keep this simple and to the point: it’s time to move on to other things.
So why is this so hard? It’s tough letting go of something you’ve created, nurtured and fought for. I remember the enthusiasm I wrote this article (Your Business, Your Baby) at the very beginning of this very nimble ride. I fully acknowledge my very entrepreneurial spirit and wrestle with my determination not to quit. At speeds rivaling time travel, I recall all the people I’ve worked for (and with) and built business with. The events and interactions changed me and built me into what I am today. I am grateful for each and every occurrence.
Just one more try. Just one more yes. Just one more project…and six years go by.
The truth is I’m ready for something different. Something even more amazing and intrinsically supportive and true to who I am, who I’ve become.
To those who believed in me and took a chance on a newbie, you’ll live in my heart forever. I thank you.
To those who have run the personal gamut with me, I battle cry with you. We are better for it. I thank you.
To those of you landing here for the first time I encourage you to reach out and connect. Hola! I’m a person worth knowing.
To faith, I say “here we go!”
To my future, I say hello.
Nimble out…for now.
JCM
The Year I Started Cleaning with Vinegar.
So two weeks into 2012 and I’ve nothing more than a new tag to use: The Year I Started Cleaning with Vinegar. A little quirky…I know.
The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Rather than start a new blog (how many does one person need?) I thought I would just start a category. Here’s where I’m coming from…
There’s a difference in cleaning with vinegar because that’s what you have vs. choosing not to buy fancy, and dangerous, products. Yay me! I’ve arrived.
There’s “feel good” in knowing that I’m using something basic to take care of…well, the basics of cleanliness. This also follows my already year-old commitment to using Jaydancin products. They’re awesome for me…and for you.
But there’s more: Like parenting and how households end up more like vinaigrette. There’s shake ups and spices and basics of oil/vinegar combinations and concoctions. There will be plenty of posts around that salad bowl.
Vinegar is used to preserve things we enjoy later like grandma’s pickles.
Vinegar is considered a gentle acid and somehow that translates into a shiny surface without any power tools in my mind.
…and it goes on french fries, one of my favourite indulgences.
Now before you think I’ve gone all “Mr. Whateverhisnameis-WindexFreakFrom-the-Greek-Wedding-movie” don’t worry. I won’t put any in a spray bottle to have handy…in the car or to our lunch date, but may just use it on the weeds in the yard too.
Most of all, it’s kind of fun not labeling this year’s events with something heavy and burdensome like the last two blogs I’ve written. I’m just not carrying it. It’s time to lighten up and just plain ‘ol live…vinegar style. Uncomplicated, taken care of, in full choice, strong and best experienced in a room with fresh air.
Keeping it light, and still believing in ME
JCM
P.S. Here’s a link to the Vinegar Wikipedia page for your daily brain expansion.
The last thing I have time for tonight…
…is a blog post but I just can’t shake the notion.
It’s about Christmas.
Despite all the frenzy and stress and baking and shopping and driving and parties and concerts and meals and desserts and transferring of kids and presents (and, and, and) I must get this off my chest because I probably won’t get to talk to each of you with the same gusto.
It’s not about the items but the effort. It’s not about time off, it’s about the magic we all believe in at some level. It’s about us!
This year, there is minimal decorating at our house. It just doesn’t feel right to me anymore. Yes, if you recall, we were the first house with lights on street. Yes, we have a Christmas tree. We even have a nativity set properly positioned. But when I looked at all the other things I’ve collected (and was lovingly given) over the years, I realized I didn’t want to bury the magic. Stick to the basics; give people my attention not the walls of my house.
To me, Christmas is about us. The love we have for each other, and how we find special ways of showing it. At one point in my life the evening was scheduled around church and a manger. Heck for my very first Christmas (as I have boasted before to some of you) I was put in the manger at church since I was only 24 days old…and gave the elderly ladies at the front quite a scare when I started to cry. I was hot and sweaty…no surprise to those of you who know my regular temperature (to this day). My initials are J.C. by the way, so I firmly believe in my connection to the ascended master. Don’t get me wrong, I understand and support the big fella just as much as I believe in all the Saints and Buddas and Enlightened Beings that support our life on earth.
So instead of decorating and spending time and energy conforming I decided to be different. Surprise! When budgets and timelines and kids wear me down, I get back to the basics.
My post is a THANK YOU that I will repost frequently because my Christmas wish is for us to share and remember the spirit of Christmas and more importantly our faith in each other.
- Thank you for your faith in me.
- Thank you for believing in magic who happens to come around once a year in a red outfit.
- Thank you for respecting individual beliefs.
- Thank you for making the effort to celebrate each other.
May you find the sweet moments this holiday season and continue to look for them all year round.
Believing in M.E. and you too.
JCM
Limitless
Be gentle with yourself is all I keep hearing.
And as I ponder what has brought on a leaky roof in my bedroom, the only thing I can surmise from the sensations in my body is this: I want to cry. Some of it could have to do with the fact it has been raining for a few days and I’m tired of a wet carpet and the pit-pat of drops in a bucket. It may have something to do with the resulting downer of a very busy week including a birthday, two nights out and the regular hormonal blast. Although babysitters fell through and I had to rely on Grandma again, I still saw it through.
Usually I’m grateful for the rinse of the rain. It freshens things up, changes routines a little and overall does the spirit good to be misted. I like the sensation on my face and enjoy the fresh coat of colour as it enhances everything that is.
Back to me.
I “went out” three times this month. For a Sagittarius, this is a standard dose of adventure (maybe even a little less than standard). For a single mom of two, not so. I also ran out of gas twice…now that’s adventure! I have since figured out that 1/3 of a tank actually means empty. The kids keep asking me if we have enough and so does my mother when she comes along and we all check the gauge together now. *Sigh* I’ll live it down someday…and we all keep laughing.
So what do I want to cry about? Turning another year older? Nah. It’s a number to celebrate: 3+7=10=1 so it’s a year of new beginnings and unity.
My lower self scoffs: New beginnings? Haven’t you had enough of those lately? Unity? Really, you’re spending more time apart from your kids how is that unity?
My higher self croons: The new beginning…the one beyond the years of transition you just went through. Unity is togetherness no matter what changes. Unity in heart and spirit counts too.
So I’m mourning in the final stages of transition maybe. My mom tells me I haven’t been myself over the last couple of days so clearly it’s noticeable and if I could only just push an emotional purge button, it would all be over with. I’m irritated and not being able to get grounded, get real and get back to loving.
And the only way to get there is through me. I know that.
Last night I got caught up on laundry and dishes and prepared lunches…going through the motions and responsibilities and enjoying the quiet they provided. It felt like progress.
Simple things reassure me.
As I type this I’m watching two little birds perched on a tire, in the shelter of the van’s wheel well. They’re chirping about the weather like two old men and it’s making me smile…and now there are four of them and I’m just about to laugh out loud. They’re glad it’s raining and not snowing! It’s silly; but even better to feel laughter.
My life is full and vibrant and I’m grateful for all of it. I roll and jump and toussel and take leaps of faith regularly. I also hug, love, encourage and enjoy the people in it wholeheartedly…and it’s okay when I need to sit quietly and recharge.
So there has been a change in metric, and the roof is being overhauled…the sky (and beyond) is limitless! I release all that no longer serves me.
Believing in me,
JCM
Keeping It Light…and Goofy.
Life is funny and I’m so glad to have enough awareness to enjoy it…most of the time.
Just today, I can come up with multiple examples of how perspective can make for fun or distress. How tricky it is to consciously choose each and every moment! And in a world of customer interaction, satisfaction and stupefaction you’ve got to decide before it even happens.
So I’d like to give credit to my coworker and belt-badged barrista Joel. Joel and I had a bit of a bumpy start; we were kind of awkward and the more time we spent together having fun with our job, the more our customers enjoyed us too. So now that we’re poking fun at each other openly, and looking for a radio station to broadcast our “Jen & Joel behind the Bar in the Morning” show, I think we’re onto something. We’ve been practicing our “Cocktail” cup throwing moves and other theatrics too. But it’s not just the production we put on when we work together, we groove in serving customers and they like that. I remind our patrons that Joel is our Store Manager (his self proclaimed title) and he likes to share that I’m “Sweet, Not Sissy.” (which is on my collaged cup). We have different styles, that’s for sure. The best part is that we have respect for our differences and I really appreciate that. Perspectives count and they don’t need to be right or wrong. They just are.
So not only are we having fun, we have launched into Christmas and the store has been transformed. There’s a lot of red and snowflakes and the word “Christmas” all over to remind me it’s coming. I expected to hear more grumbling than pleasure and it really wasn’t the case. I’m good with it all since we haven’t shifted to Christmas music…yet. I’m thinking it’s because there are so many more syrup bottles and the drink combinations to go with them that I’m kind of scrambling in the new…and giggling at the ridiculous thought that world thinks they need so much sugar. That, and I don’t know how to work the new slogan in AND include patrons names on cups without making it sound like a marriage proposal. I’m keeping my holly garter belt handy just in case though (pics to follow.)
My final thought in the duality of perception came to me at the end of the day. At the end of my shift, I agreed to business brainstorm with a gentleman I regularly serve coffee to. The coffee regulars were surprised to see me on the customer side. I said to my pal: “you know, it wasn’t that long ago the customers were surprised to see me on the serving side of the bar. Now, they’re surprised to see me on the customer side.” He smirked too, remembering way back then.
Oh, how life changes!
I could have felt sad about that but really, I’m happy about it. The way I see it, it’s nice to be remembered regardless.
Believing in ME; believing in happiness.
JCM
Gratitude
I had great intentions (again) of getting to bed early.
However, I decided that posting to express some gratitude might just add extra oomph to my list of thank yous.
1. Thank you full-moon for returning my “compassion” ring. I was missing it and was extra delighted to discover that I was the one in need of compassion for myself. Nice full circle there (pardon the pun.)
2. Thank you bizzare twist of fate and facts last week for showing me there are people out there who love me, those who don’t (yet), those who can’t (and that’s okay) and those that won’t (lovin’ isn’t always easy).
3. Thank you to my body, the vessel that contains and moves this big energy called Jen around. And also a “merci” to my mind for allowing and “grati” to my heart for remaining open. I promise to get lots of water and rest this week.
4. Thank you to the echo of laughter; the vibe of banter and jesting over steaming milk and espresso feels good to me. I revel in the fountain of their creation and I’m happy to share jovial times.
5. Thank you to Mason & Ellie for getting excited over my ideas (there are many of them as you probably know) and for sharing your night-time thoughts with me. Moments such as these are sweet nectar to my day.
Life is beautiful. We are beautiful.
Believing in ME
JCM
